One of the reasons I find it hard to write here sometimes is because I vacillate between feeling that I have and ought to offer something in the way of expert advice, something “worthwhile,” and feeling like a fraud that has nothing of the kind to offer.
My inner critic starts to say, “How can you publicly talk about these ideals when your life doesn’t resemble them (or resembles them only in fits and starts)?”
For a while, I was confused about what my purpose was here. Was I trying to give help and information? Was I trying to create an online scrapbook of sorts? Was I trying to make money? Was this supposed to be some mechanism for accountability in pursuing my ideals, such as a Christ-centered outlook, hands-on homeschooling, healthy eating, and a full, creative life? Who was I talking to anyway, and couldn’t I just as easily talk to myself?
The answer is yes.
Yes to all of the above. Except maybe the money. Unless anyone would like to throw some at me. In that case, I would be grateful, thankyouverymuch, but otherwise, for now, I can’t blog successfully with a view towards money.
My resolution was this: Commercially speaking, I’m sure it makes sense to brand oneself more or less according to one of the above pigeonholes. But why must I? And why must I present myself as an expert on everything all the time? Why must I hide those times when I feel unsure or downright not okay? Why must I feel like no one will pay attention unless my life is filled with the kind of thrill-a-minute activities or beautiful objects that sometimes I’m just not up for or can’t afford?
Maybe there’s no audience for regular, but I’m putting myself out there the way I really am just for the creative endeavor of it. I would be thrilled if people want to share in that, but it’s okay if not.
You know what, though? I have a feeling that some people might because I talk to people sometimes. Yeah, that’s right. Actual conversations. And they get excited and interested in the things I’m interested and excited about. When I share my struggles honestly, I often get a great big “YESSS!!!” of empathy.
And what I hear them say a lot of times is that they’ve been blessed by hearing the struggles and successes of regular people like them, online and in person. Not necessarily always people with the perfectly coiffed life or the mad skills of every kind, but the people that could easily be them, who have budgetary and time constraints, relationship issues, health challenges, and trouble keeping the house clean.
Because if a person with similar limitations to them can have happiness, faith, wonder, and success, there’s real hope they can too.
Also, I’ve had visits from a lot of people from different parts of the world who’ve taken the time to read what I write, even though I don’t even know them. That just floors me! Thank you!
So my resolution is to avoid contrived.
For this place to be less like a final, perfect product and more like an online version of the numerous sketch and spiral notebooks where I keep my my drawings, lists, notes, and the occasional manifesto about all the things that matter to me.
So will you bear with me if I share more about where I’m trying to go and the steps along the way there, more about how to go about finding that daily “nourishment” in all facets of life through trial and error? If you will, I’d be glad for your company.